Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Your penis caused this!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
