She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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