everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
