don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
