My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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