morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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