He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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