Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
