You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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