well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My ass is underappreciated
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize