The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Randomize
