Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have already put on my inside pants.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
