38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
