PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
