If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
