I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
