Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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