lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
