I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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