Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
