john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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