I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
