FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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