I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Damn victory sex feels great
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
