Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
