I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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