she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
