I got chris browned last night
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Come on in and take your pants off
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