I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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