Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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