A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
