yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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