My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
