he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
