oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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