I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
