Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize