lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize