So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
