my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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