Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
