I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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