I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
