Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
