Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
