It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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