connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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