peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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