A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
