there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
