I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
