Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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