she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
These tits shall not be calmed
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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