a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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