i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Can Purell be used as lube?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
