Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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