Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
