We won't sleep together?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
