the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
