In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize