He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
