he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
