I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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