k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize