Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
