I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
