It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
