You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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